I’ve been inspired to take action after our state legislators passed a bill allowing handguns to be carried in bars and restaurants, and I must act quickly. Surely I’m not the only one who sees this headline-grabbing legislation as a prime business opportunity just waiting to be exploited before it takes effect next month.
Throughout the bill’s controversial journey, which included a veto and override, one crucial unanswered question has remained: What is the most fashionable way of concealing a weapon while enjoying an evening at Nashville’s trendiest nightspots? As Coco Chanel should have said, “You must always be hotter than the heat you’re packin’.”
Sure, gunmetal may be the new black in Tennessee, but how much weight will a Derringer add to your derriere? You want your secret weapon to be, well, your secret weapon, instead of the unattractive lump that frightens away potential suitors before they can be enticed by your deep understanding of NRA bylaws.
That’s why I’m launching Firearm Fashions, a clothing and accessories line for style-conscious men and women who take their appearance as seriously as their protection. Your little secret will remain safe with us, especially if the legislature makes the gun permit list private in Tennessee.
The Palin line for women includes slimming black pants with an impressively engineered trademark design featuring an interior gun pocket on the inner mid-thigh to eliminate any unsightly bulges. Of course, immediate access is a necessity, so a quick-to-rip Velcro strip hidden along the inseam is all that stands between you and your target. That nagging problem of where to store your bullets discreetly is solved with the Coulter bra. You’ll look perpetually perky while your confidence gets a boost by the cold steel pressing against your skin.
You can’t just pull a handgun out of a handbag without risking the spillage of embarrassing feminine items, so we present the Principal purse. Inspired by actress Victoria Principal, these evening bags and large totes offer exterior pockets that are sized perfectly for your specific gun model so that you can immediately brandish your pistol should you encounter your maid or other threats. This ensures that you won’t reach into your purse frantically, only to unknowingly whip out a Blackberry in self-defense.
Our men’s line features the relaxed-fit Heston pants, which are engineered to allow a patron to sit comfortably with his single shot while ordering a double shot at the bar. (Of course, we know all of our armed customers will honor the law requiring them to abstain from alcohol consumption. Wink, wink.)
The straight-cut Nugent jeans with their strategically located gun holder will have the young women asking, “Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you glad to see me?” (“Yes,” is the mysterious response we advise.) Great thought went into the gun’s location so that the wearer doesn’t pull the trigger too soon.
Complementing the pants is the Colt jacket, which is designed to appear as if there is a large gun in each front pocket, just to keep ‘em wondering whether you draw with your left or right hand.
Before you take a stroll through your arsenal in preparation of date night, we encourage you to peruse our soon-to-be-launched Web site to meet your newfound needs. Remember our motto: Don’t let your gun be the only thing that’s smokin’.
I’d like to thank the state legislature for their unexpected move, which should provide a steady supply of revenue for me during this frightening recession. Who knew that Middle Tennessee would become the center of fashion? Chanel’s Karl Lagerfeld has found his muse in Nicole Kidman, and I have Sen. Doug Jackson, the bill’s co-sponsor. In these troubled times, I take my inspiration where I can get it.