Burch: An interview with a Tea Party superstar

Thursday, December 15, 2011 at 10:05pm
By Michael R. Burch

Mike Burch interviews the latest, greatest Tea Party superstar.

In a remarkable stroke of good fortune, I was able to meet with the Tea Party’s latest, greatest superstar presidential candidate, just before he formally announced his candidacy. Here are the results of my exclusive interview with Tarzan, Lord of the Jungle. Please forgive the simplicity of my hastily arranged questions, but I think you may find his answers illuminating.

 

Q: Sir, what is your position on government regulation of business?

A: Business good. Government bad.

 

Q: Sir, what is your position on Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid?

A: Lambs die. Lions feast. Tarzan very healthy, strong! Why Tarzan help weaklings?

 

Q: But sir, I hear that, like most Tea Party types, you don’t have any savings. What will you do when you are unable to house and feed yourself?

A: Ugh, Tarzan not know! Maybe Obama have pity on poor Tarzan?

 

Q: Sir, what is your position on gay marriage?

A: Straights good, go heaven. Gays bad, go hell. Why be nice people go hell?

 

Q: Sir, what is your position on immigration?

A: White like Tarzan good. Dark bad, very dangerous. Not look like Tarzan, scare Jane.

 

Q: Sir, what is your position on evolution?

A: Tarzan born perfect. Evolution stupid theory.

 

Q: But what about dinosaur bones and DNA?

A: Tarzan not believe in DNA, evolution, round earth, other stupid theory. Tarzan believe Bible! Earth flat, immovable, has fixed foundations and pillars, like Bible say.

 

Q: Sir, what is your position on cutting military spending?

A: Need big stick, beat enemies to pulp. Spend more, not less!

 

Q: But how is it possible to have a huge military empire, with nearly a thousand bases overseas, and fight trillion-dollar wars, yet have a smaller federal government?

A: Tarzan not know. Tarzan head suddenly hurt.

 

Q: Sir, what is your position on religion?

A: Christians good. Muslims bad.

 

Q: Lord Tarzan, you claim to be a Bible-believing Christian, but Jesus Christ, his apostles and the Hebrew prophets all repeatedly said that the rich should help the poor, not oppress or abandon them. And yet politically you are clearly a firm believer in a Darwinian “survival of the fittest,” as you advocate slashing Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid and unemployment benefits. But Jesus said Christians should give everything but the shirt on their backs to people in need, and of course Jesus followed his own advice, dying with just one garment to his name. How can you possibly reconcile your politics with your religion?

A: Tarzan not know. Tarzan just ape-man, not deep thinker. Tarzan always bad student, like Bush, Palin, Bachmann, Perry. When in doubt, Tarzan get very angry, go on warpath, destroy enemy tree house. Then Tarzan rule jungle! Now go away, Tarzan have splitting headache!

72 Comments on this post:

By: yogiman on 12/16/11 at 12:14

WOW! I sure understand Tarzan having a headache with that interview.

By: Funditto on 12/16/11 at 6:31

I keep expecting Rick Perry to break into a rendition of " OHHHHHklahoma." and I just love his pronunciation of Isreal -- "Izril"

Hope everybody's doing ok!

By: govskeptic on 12/16/11 at 6:34

.
Discussion good: B.S. Bad ! Keep this lameness going.

By: sidneyames on 12/16/11 at 7:07

Was this supposed to be funny? Or what? Because it appears to be a gross waste of print. Michael, one of the greatest things about God is that: You don't have to love or respect him; he loves you regardless. It's a shame you can't stop making fun of God and just everyday ordinary people. Well, you have a good day --- anyway!

By: serr8d on 12/16/11 at 7:08

Heh. Edgar Rice Burroughs you are not, nor will you ever be, Burch of the Head Scrunched Full of Marxisms.

“I do not understand exactly what you mean by fear," said Tarzan. "Like lions, fear is a different thing in different men, but to me the only pleasure in the hunt is the knowledge that the hunted thing has power to harm me as much as I have to harm him. If I went out with a couple of rifles and a gun bearer, and twenty or thirty beaters, to hunt a lion, I should not feel that the lion had much chance, and so the pleasure of the hunt would be lessened in proportion to the increased safety which I felt."

"Then I am to take it that Monsieur Tarzan would prefer to go naked into the jungle, armed only with a jackknife, to kill the king of beasts," laughed the other good naturedly, but with the merest touch of sarcasm in his tone.

"And a piece of rope," added Tarzan.”

-----------

“We are, all of us, creatures of habit, and when the seeming necessity for schooling ourselves in new ways ceases to exist, we fall naturally and easily into the manner and customs which long usage has implanted ineradicably within us.”
― Edgar Rice Burroughs, Tarzan of the Apes

“It is a characteristic of the weak and criminal to attribute to others the misfortunes that are the result of their own wickedness.”
― Edgar Rice Burroughs, The Son of Tarzan

and, this, seemingly written just for you, Burch, King of the Marx Beasts who Dwell in the Land of Soft-Headed LeftLibProggs at NCP:

“Fortunate indeed are those in which there is combined a little good and a little bad, a little knowledge of many things outside their own callings, a capacity for love and a capacity for hate, for such as these can look with tolerance upon all, unbiased by the egotism of him whose head is so heavy on one side that all his brains run to that point.”
― Edgar Rice Burroughs, The Chessmen of Mars

By: serr8d on 12/16/11 at 7:14

That, my friends, was a fun hunt, albeit I did have him at disadvantage: having exposed himself as a simple tool with none of the trappings of sophistication; he was an easy mark(x).

Don't set yourself up so easily next time, Burch.

Oh, and this:

http://twitpic.com/7rdjwg

Cheers!

By: Loner on 12/16/11 at 7:22

I like this piece of satire....well done, Mike. The Tea Party types are troglodytes, for the most part...knuckle-dragging hominids. The law of the jungle is their constitution.

Tarzan, Frankenstein and Tonto all took their speech lessons from the same teacher?

I support Tarzan's chimp, Cheetah, for POTUS.

Ray Stevens (Gitarzan) remembered:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D-XSasL3wzs

By: Kosh III on 12/16/11 at 7:27

"It's a shame you can't stop making fun of God"

He wasn't making fun at God but rather at his alleged "disciples" who do none of the things Christ expected.
It's not love to kill or execute, it's not love to oppress the poor and enrich the wealthy; it's not love to abandon the widows and orphans; it's not love to bomb people's homes into rubble or to destroy countries for the sake of oil riches.

None of the GOP fascists has a clue about authentic Christian values: tend the sick, support the weak, give rest to the weary, visit and comfort the imprisoned, protect the defenseless, help the helpless, the hopeless and the hapless.

By: Loner on 12/16/11 at 7:28

Serr8d is more delusional this morning than normal? Must be off his meds, again.

Serr, my old friend, try some natural remedies...a little Cannabis might take some of that angst out of your belly...and remove what's stuck in your craw.

By: Kosh III on 12/16/11 at 7:29

I'm sure ser realizes that Burch was quoting the movie Tarzan who was simple minded and spoke brokenly, not the Tarzan of the novels: rich, aristocratic, multi-lingual and racist.

By: Loner on 12/16/11 at 7:36

Kosh, the GOP has done a one-eighty since the days of Abraham Lincoln...after Dick Nixon succeeded in flipping the segregationists over to the GOP, the mission statement of the party, it's agenda, was radically altered.

The same bigotry and hate that led to the Great Secession never died away in the former Confederacy...it hibernated for a hundred years....and it was awakened in 1968...today, the old bigotry, disguised as Christianity, is flourishing in the Republican Party....the Party of Hate.

Newt Gingrich is a hate-monger, an arrogant wise-ass, a liar, a marital cheater and he's on the take...apparently, the Republican TP base considers those flaws to be virtues....as if Jesus of Nazareth exhibited those traits....it's pure heresy.

Obama should be able to defeat this phony baloney with no trouble.

By: Loner on 12/16/11 at 7:45

If one is raised by apes, one cannot be expected to be an intellectual, or a wordsmith....that's where the original Tarzan story strayed far from reality....Rice used artistic license...so did Mike Burch.

And now, Kum Bah Yah:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=59VH7NiSvZU&feature=related

By: serr8d on 12/16/11 at 7:56

Oh, on Christopher Hitchens, who woke up dead this morning. Not unexpectedly; that outcome is guaranteed to all of us.

As a celebrated atheist who spent much of his life bashing God and godbotherers, he's now knowing the final answer: either he has an immortal soul that was collected and returned to it's Maker (or, perhaps rejected and sent somewhere, maybe to be reborn as a goat-f*cking Iranian) or he spent his life as just another planet-bound animal with a short lifespan and a mildly-swollen brain case; in which case he's returned to the nothing from whence he came, quickly to be forgotten.

Either way, sayanora. Wouldn't want to be like you were, really.

By: serr8d on 12/16/11 at 7:58

The Tarzan story, Loner, as written by Burroughs, ranks in the class known as 'Literature'. Only the people who read comic books instead perform a 'Tarzan' as did Marxist Burch.

By: Loner on 12/16/11 at 8:06

"Literature"? Like those brochures you get in the junk mail or at those Visitor Centers? They pass out a lot of "literature". The meaning of that word has also evolved....unless you do not believe in evolution....if that's the case, then you may agree with those who say that the only "literature" that a human being needs is the Judeo-Christian Bible.

Mike Burch is a "Marxist"? Groucho, perhaps, but not Karl.

Serr8d throws out those unfounded allegations in a cavalier fashion....that only decreases his credibility, IMO.

By: Loner on 12/16/11 at 8:11

May Christopher Hitchens rest in peace...atheists are probably among the world's most daring people....I salute the bravery....all those Holy Wars and those burnings at the stake, for heretics, the pogroms etc. have robbed the human gene pool of a vital ingredient - the ability and courage to doubt.

To me Doubting Thomas was the greatest of Christ's Disciples.

By: rldavenport@com... on 12/16/11 at 8:21

Clever satire, Mr. Burch, but still filled with lies - especially when discussing immigration, Social Security, Medicare, helping the downtrodden, etc. You, Kosh, Loner, and others also turn a blind eye to the fact that Christians do far more to help the helpless than many of you liberals allow yourselves to believe.

Yes, there are hypocritical Christians, just like there are hypocritical non-Christians (yes, even atheists). But you liberals are the ones who stereotype by arguing that EVERYONE in a certain group of people has the same characteristics and attitudes. So, poke your fun, Burch, but also look at yourself in the mirror once in a while.

By: Loner on 12/16/11 at 8:39

Ridavenport@com throws down the gauntlet: You, Kosh, Loner, and others also turn a blind eye to the fact that Christians do far more to help the helpless than many of you liberals allow yourselves to believe.

I'm sure that some good does flow from the fountainheads of the Great Religions of the world....even a stopped clock is right twice a day.

But, on balance - considering the holy wars, the internecine violence, the Inquisition, the faith-based pogroms, the faith-based colonialism, the church-approved slavery, the faith-based child abuse etc. - as a civilizing influence, organized religion is highly over-rated.

By: Loner on 12/16/11 at 8:41

So, I gotta ask, do you, Mr. Davenport, believe that the Church of Latter Day Saints is a legitimate Christian faith? If so, why...if not, why not?

By: Captain Nemo on 12/16/11 at 8:42

Mike you have certainly brought out the monkey in the Tea Baggers cohorts today.

By: yogiman on 12/16/11 at 12:14
WOW! I sure understand Tarzan having a headache with that interview.
(This monkey thinks it know what a headache is)

By: govskeptic on 12/16/11 at 6:34

Discussion good: B.S. Bad ! Keep this lameness going.
( I thought the gov would have come up with something better)

By: sidneyames on 12/16/11 at 7:07
It's a shame you can't stop making fun of God and just everyday ordinary people. Well, you have a good day --- anyway!
(If you don’t think the way she thinks then you hate God aka sid)

By: serr8d on 12/16/11 at 7:14
That, my friends, was a fun hunt, albeit I did have him at disadvantage: having exposed himself as a simple tool with none of the trappings of sophistication; he was an easy mark(x).
Don't set yourself up so easily next time, Burch.

( The mighty hero shoots his Nerf arrow at the beast Mike Burch and declares himself the winner) LOL

I will never be able to see or hear another Tea Bagger the same again, without thinking just how funny Burch has made them look.

By: serr8d on 12/16/11 at 8:44

Heh. Not really rising to 'clever', rldavenport, but more as a tossed sop to his fellow travelers who frequent this backwater of backwaters, such as Mr. Loner (who frequently suckles from Marxist Burch's fount, and is in turned patted-on-head by by Burch; Loner, there's some Burch Wisdom dribbled on your chin! Wipe, please!), it's apt enough.

Just wait until you see the creature known as 'Captain Nemo'. This is HIS house, really.

By: serr8d on 12/16/11 at 8:45

Oh. The parrot Nemo lights. He's now commenced ruining what's already in ruins.

Carry on~!

By: serr8d on 12/16/11 at 8:46

Heh. Loner said 'fountainheads'.

WIPE! NOW!

By: Captain Nemo on 12/16/11 at 8:47

Loner, I’m sure the fringe right-wing considers Mormon to be a cult, unlike the Tea Party.

By: Loner on 12/16/11 at 8:54

"Backwater of backwaters"? Serr8d shows his contempt for valuable wetlands...he would drain the "swamp" and build a military base on the filled-in area.

If this Comment Board is so "backwater", one wonders why an intellectual likeSerr8d would hang out here...slumming it, so to speak.

Maybe he is carp-hunting with a bow & arrow, from a 10-foot, flat-bottomed, jon boat....for the sport of it. Careful, Serr8d, there are big, hungry gators around here...blood in the water gets their juices flowing.

By: Captain Nemo on 12/16/11 at 8:56

Nerf Hero squawks like a pigeon. Careful you might tickle my to death arrows.

By: Captain Nemo on 12/16/11 at 8:58

Nerf boy, I have used the pages of the Fountainhead as toilet paper.

By: Captain Nemo on 12/16/11 at 8:58

shb me not my

By: Loner on 12/16/11 at 8:58

By: serr8d on 12/16/11 at 8:46

Heh. Loner said 'fountainheads'.

WIPE! NOW!

Serr, I put that in there to attract your attention...like a crank bait....you bit.....lucky for you, I catch and release....besides, you are a little under-sized...no offense, just keep eating those worms, you'll soon be big enough to harvest....you're just a fingerling....a feisty middle fingerling.

But, I appreciate the sport, thank you.

By: Loner on 12/16/11 at 9:01

Fountain head as TP? We rolled a few joints, using pages torn from that rather pornographic piece of Right-Wing fiction.

By: Captain Nemo on 12/16/11 at 9:11

I thought this was going to be a bad day, but now it has turn into a weekend of laughs. Thank you, Nerf Boy for you entertaining interpretations.

By: Captain Nemo on 12/16/11 at 9:13

I got to go now, but I am looking forward to the weekend funnies from the Tea Bags.

Thanks again Mike Burch for the fireworks.

By: yogiman on 12/16/11 at 9:14

Loner,

Considering your comment about serr8d as an intellectual 'hanging out' here in this "slum" with you and your cohorts, are you admitting to be the idiots you show yourselves to be?

By: Captain Nemo on 12/16/11 at 9:17

The only idiots are yogiman and troll.

By: Loner on 12/16/11 at 9:18

See ya, Cap'n! Live long and prosper....keep the bugs off your life-form sensors...and warp out!

By: Captain Nemo on 12/16/11 at 9:19

Give me another lame comeback yogi.

By: Captain Nemo on 12/16/11 at 9:20

Thank you Loner, that means a lot. ;-)

By: Loner on 12/16/11 at 9:28

From Yogiman:

Loner...Considering your comment about serr8d as an intellectual 'hanging out' here in this "slum" with you and your cohorts, are you admitting to be the idiots you show yourselves to be?

I cannot speak for the others, but I readily admit that I am only human...I have been an "idiot" at times...and at times, I too have been an "@sshole"....everybody on this planet is part idiot and part @sshole. All the Saints prayed that they would not be @ssholes... and all the Saints knew themselves to be idiots...but every idiot and every @sshole believes humanity to be nothing more than idiots and @ssholes.... except for themselves, of course.

By: Loner on 12/16/11 at 9:34

You are welcome, Captain Nemo. may your God speed you!

By: BenDover on 12/16/11 at 9:44

I've read the bible through a few times. I guess I missed the verse where Jesus advocated a huge omnipotent government to steal at gunpoint from one person in order to buy political favor with another.

Possibly Burch's most lame performance to date.

By: Loner on 12/16/11 at 9:58

You missed that Scriptural verse, Ben, where, as you put it, "Jesus advocated a huge omnipotent government to steal at gunpoint from one person in order to buy political favor with another?" I'm shocked to hear that.

You never heard Christ's message about robbing Peter, to pay Paul? What kind of a church do you attend?

But seriously Benjamin, it's right there in black and white: Mark 12:17 King James Bible (Cambridge Ed.): "And Jesus answering said unto them, Render to Caesar the things that are Caesar's, and to God the things that are God's. And they marveled at him."

Sounds like folks are still marveling...still scratching their heads, in Tennessee.

Just pay your fair share of your taxes and tithe your @ss off....that's all we can do.

By: BenDover on 12/16/11 at 10:12

We've got a special government here, loner, in that in addition to being subject to its authority we can influence it to its most righteous form. Stealing, Covetousness, False Witness.... they're all in the top 10 list right up there with Murder, Adultery and Idol Worshiping. Jesus affirmed the top 10 list in his ministry (emphasizing #1) and added the golden rule to the covenant. If the record is to be straight and as we shape our society toward that end we will better meet the objective of his ministry.

Burch has offered us his parable. Here's an instructional history lesson on the topic for consideration.

http://www.davycrockettstory.org/

By: Loner on 12/16/11 at 10:31

Ben wrote: "We've got a special government here, loner, in that in addition to being subject to its authority we can influence it to its most righteous form."

I hope that's not true. I get nervous when governments get into the business of being "righteous". The Jewish State and the Islamic Republic of Iran are both in the business of being "righteous". The Secession and the Confederacy were founded upon governmental "righteous indignation" .

I prefer a secular and pluralistic democracy as opposed to a faith-based democracy...the Founding Fathers would agree with me...maybe not the slave-owning Founders, but the more enlightened secular democrats among them would support my position, IMO.

The US embraced faith-based colonialism and Jewish supremacy, disguised as "Jewish nationalism", in 1948...we have suffered the 9-11 attacks, the Afghanistan and Iraq wars as a result of that "righteous" decision.

Now, Uncle Sam is up to his @ss in the swamp of eternal Holy War....I blame Harry Truman, for not inviting the Holocaust survivors to settle here in the USA... the known racist (ask any Japanese person) did not want any more Jews in the USA, so he supported the Jewish State idea, hoping, perhaps, that most, if not all of the American Jews would pack up and go to Israel...the rest is ugly history.

Holy Wars Suck.

By: BenDover on 12/16/11 at 10:40

Well let's narrow the scope to Burch's criticism that I was answering then Loner rather than using it as an opportunity to rocket-launch another fantastic rant about holy wars.

By: yogiman on 12/16/11 at 10:43

OK, dumba..,

I feel lousy but I'll have to admit, you have me beat on idiocy.

By: Loner on 12/16/11 at 10:47

Well, I'll just stop the irritating rants for today. I wasted too much time here as it stands. I gotta run..take it away, Ben!

By: BenDover on 12/16/11 at 10:58

Have a nice day Loner.

By: yogiman on 12/16/11 at 12:46

Did Loner turn off the light when he quit making his comments?

Let's turn those lights back on: Because of you posters apparent love of a man illegally sitting in our Oval Office and agreeing with his slamming George Bush in his term by claiming "its his fault", can any of you really tell any difference between the two?

The only difference I can see is Bush was in the office legally but Barry Soetoro isn't. And they both are using different party names. I would argue there isn't much difference between their parties.

Twin efforts? George and Barry both supported and are now supporting open borders for illegal aliens to enter our nation.

Both have give the Mexican government favors by prosecuting and sending Security Officers to prison for the simple reason of doing their jobs against the drug smugglers.

But then, what president before them has even attempted to made our border secure?

By: Captain Nemo on 12/16/11 at 7:47

Shut up yogi.

By: dargent7 on 12/17/11 at 5:32

"yogi": Your constant beating the same drum tune is pathetic.
Just keep beating yourself.
Why don't you "Birthers" get a head start on Newton McPherson and find out since he was adopted by his mother's 2nd husband, taking the name, "Gingrich", was his real father an American?I want to see his birth cert. Has he produced it? If not, why not?
And double-check your facts concerning Willard "Mitt" Romney. Father was born in Mexico.
And why did these two guys change their names, a practice that you find so offensive?
Barack went by "Barry" and took his adoptive father's name, and you idiots go ape-shit. (Tarzan theme).