Much has been made about the proposed move of the Tennessee State Fairgrounds’ expo center and other events to Hickory Hollow Mall. To some it’s great. To others the idea makes as much sense as asking Eric Crafton to sing Freddy Fender’s “Feliz Navidad” at the office Christmas party.
After much contemplation, I have decided to once and for all tackle this issue for the city of Nashville. I propose the following changes to resolve other conflicts. Take note, Mayor Karl Dean: If these ideas take off, I might make a run for your job.
First, the Tennessee State Fairgrounds will be relocated to the scrap metal yard on the East Bank currently occupied by PSC Metals. The scrap metal yard will be relocated to Greer Stadium. Seriously folks, its been an unofficial scrap yard for years now. There is only so much paint can cover up.
The Nashville Sounds will move to Hickory Hollow Mall. We won’t tear down the mall — just make them play in the current building. That way we don’t have to take down the signs for the current stores, and we make those stores pay for the privilege of advertising.
Davis-Kidd in Green Hills will become the new home of the World’s Largest Adult Bookstore. The Bronte Bistro in the bottom of the store will remain open but will be renamed “Lady Chatterley’s Coffee and Tarts.” The current World’s Largest Adult Bookstore will become the new home of the Greyhound Bus Station. It is likely that very little will need to be done to retrofit this one.
The Greyhound Bus Station now occupies the former Hansen Jeep/Chrysler lot. That will become a high-rise landfill, freeing up the landfill near the John C. Tune Airport. Think of it as an inverted West End Summit.
The landfill by the airport will be transferred to Jack May with the understanding that he will have to steal the Davis-Kidd that is staying open in Memphis and open the world’s largest adult Davis-Kidd Bookstore.
Now, we have some holes in the ground and vacant lots to consider. Leaving the convention center out because that’s one hole currently being filled, we have places like West End Summit (aka Lake Palmer) and the former Thermal Plant site.
Lake Palmer — the hole in the ground at the Broadway/West End Avenue split — will become Lake Ghost Ballet, named after that unfinished roller coaster-looking thing on the opposite side of the river from Lower Broad. We will relocate that sculpture to the center of the lake. If it sinks, it sinks. In the Ghost Ballet’s place we will erect a statue commemorating Metro Councilwoman Emily Evans and all her colleagues who swam across the Cumberland River a few years ago in a successful attempt to prove that human beings can swim.
The former Thermal Plant site will be re-christened as “the former Opryland theme park site” and remain vacant. We will then charge gullible tourists a fee to walk “where Hank Williams used to walk.” To facilitate this one, we may need to cut another hole out of the stage of the Ryman Auditorium.
Finally, the former Tennessee State Fairgrounds site: Welcome to the future home of the Songwriters Hall of Fame, Nashville.
That’s my plan.
Your move, Mayor Dean.