Comment: Whitehouse

Sunday, November 28, 2010 at 9:00pm

Much has been made about the proposed move of the Tennessee State Fairgrounds’ expo center and other events to Hickory Hollow Mall. To some it’s great. To others the idea makes as much sense as asking Eric Crafton to sing Freddy Fender’s “Feliz Navidad” at the office Christmas party.

After much contemplation, I have decided to once and for all tackle this issue for the city of Nashville. I propose the following changes to resolve other conflicts. Take note, Mayor Karl Dean: If these ideas take off, I might make a run for your job.

First, the Tennessee State Fairgrounds will be relocated to the scrap metal yard on the East Bank currently occupied by PSC Metals. The scrap metal yard will be relocated to Greer Stadium. Seriously folks, its been an unofficial scrap yard for years now. There is only so much paint can cover up.

The Nashville Sounds will move to Hickory Hollow Mall. We won’t tear down the mall — just make them play in the current building. That way we don’t have to take down the signs for the current stores, and we make those stores pay for the privilege of advertising.

Davis-Kidd in Green Hills will become the new home of the World’s Largest Adult Bookstore. The Bronte Bistro in the bottom of the store will remain open but will be renamed “Lady Chatterley’s Coffee and Tarts.” The current World’s Largest Adult Bookstore will become the new home of the Greyhound Bus Station. It is likely that very little will need to be done to retrofit this one.

The Greyhound Bus Station now occupies the former Hansen Jeep/Chrysler lot. That will become a high-rise landfill, freeing up the landfill near the John C. Tune Airport. Think of it as an inverted West End Summit.

The landfill by the airport will be transferred to Jack May with the understanding that he will have to steal the Davis-Kidd that is staying open in Memphis and open the world’s largest adult Davis-Kidd Bookstore.

Now, we have some holes in the ground and vacant lots to consider. Leaving the convention center out because that’s one hole currently being filled, we have places like West End Summit (aka Lake Palmer) and the former Thermal Plant site.

Lake Palmer — the hole in the ground at the Broadway/West End Avenue split — will become Lake Ghost Ballet, named after that unfinished roller coaster-looking thing on the opposite side of the river from Lower Broad. We will relocate that sculpture to the center of the lake. If it sinks, it sinks. In the Ghost Ballet’s place we will erect a statue commemorating Metro Councilwoman Emily Evans and all her colleagues who swam across the Cumberland River a few years ago in a successful attempt to prove that human beings can swim.

The former Thermal Plant site will be re-christened as “the former Opryland theme park site” and remain vacant. We will then charge gullible tourists a fee to walk “where Hank Williams used to walk.” To facilitate this one, we may need to cut another hole out of the stage of the Ryman Auditorium.

Finally, the former Tennessee State Fairgrounds site: Welcome to the future home of the Songwriters Hall of Fame, Nashville.

That’s my plan.

Your move, Mayor Dean. 

Contact the writer at kwhitehouse@nashvillecitypaper.com
Filed under: City Voices

18 Comments on this post:

By: bfra on 11/29/10 at 5:13

Your changes make as much sense as Karl's, ram it down the taxpayer's throat changes. Karl will object, unless he can pad his pockets, with your suggestions.

By: govskeptic on 11/29/10 at 8:31

That leaves several intentionally burned South Nashville apartment
units. Let's use those for "carpenter training" for the homeless to use
as sweat equity units so our flood of new visitors don't see them
downtown and think "little" of us!

By: Community-carl-... on 11/29/10 at 9:53

How witty! Now if we could just figure out a way to get you and karl Dean in a wrestling ring at the existing fairgrounds......with any luck you would kill each other!

Thanks for a good laugh!

By: Ingleweird on 11/29/10 at 10:09

Thank you, Mr. Whitehouse, for your wonderful piece of biting satire. However, if you are insistent on moving around/burying existing publick art, would you please take those Big Brother sculptures from the Public Square with you?

By: bfra on 11/29/10 at 10:27

Those burned out apts., probably had so many "hot" items (from burglaries), they might have just ignited. LOL

By: Ingleweird on 11/29/10 at 1:27

@bfra:
What in the hell are "throat changes?"

By: bfra on 11/29/10 at 1:45

By: Ingleweird on 11/29/10 at 12:27
@bfra:
What in the hell are "throat changes?"
===============================

Read the entire sentence "ram it down the throat changes" are what Karl is pulling. I'm not surprised you didn't follow!

By: AmyLiorate on 11/29/10 at 9:38

Mr. Whitehouse this is one of your best works. It's executed well, covering the whole gamut of dilemmas in the Nashville landscape and making as much sense the the Metro council and agencies.

I nominate you for a Pulitzer. And will help with your campaign to make all this happen and unseat Karl Dean. He's kind of whiny anyway.

By: Ingleweird on 11/30/10 at 8:46

@bfra:
I'm just messing with you. Your "proper" use of punctuation to make your point is dubious, at best.

By: Ingleweird on 11/30/10 at 8:49

Whatever that supposed "point" was.

By: budlight on 11/30/10 at 9:06

Dean has to go sooner than later.

By: girliegirl on 11/30/10 at 9:28

Steiner-Liff was listed as a Super Fund site (according to the EPA) back when I first moved here, but good luck getting that $$$ now.

By: pswindle on 11/30/10 at 10:13

I bet the fairgrounds has something to do with the Covention Center. Money, Money, Money. He has already spent the money from the fiargrounds. He must have it, but we have to stop him.. We must know the real truth why he is hell-bent on getting his hands on the fairgrounds.

By: judyboodo@yahoo.com on 11/30/10 at 3:49

Someone on another posting listed the pdf link to Mayor Deans contributor filing. If you scan down the list it would be interesting to know the breakdown of real estate professionals (including developers), lawyers, people who do business with Metro and last but not least Metro employees. Not that there have been any laws broken but a cursory look shows some interesting trends in contributors.

By: brrrrk on 11/30/10 at 5:30

girliegirl said

"Steiner-Liff was listed as a Super Fund site (according to the EPA) back when I first moved here, but good luck getting that $$$ now."

Good point. There used to be a time when businesses were held accountable for polluting our environment through contributions made by each business to the Super Fund... well... fund. But, "hey", said the businesses, "that's not fair". Now at the first sign having to face the fiscal responsibility for polluting, they simply close up shop and run like hell; leaving us, the taxpayers, cleaning up the mess and living with the consequences. Don't you love the smell of free market capitalism in the morning? Or wait, that could be coming from Steiner-Liff........

By: localboy on 12/1/10 at 12:06

Hey! Keep your hands off Greer...it's a Nashville tradition. Just a few more coats...

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