Ask Amy

Sunday, April 21, 2013 at 10:05pm

DEAR AMY: I am a 27-year-old single mom. I've never been small, but I am a healthy, strong, well-proportioned size 12.

My problem is with my mother. She's extremely fat-phobic, and starts to freak out and call herself horrible fat names when she gets over a size 6.

She also makes nasty comments about my weight going back to childhood, such as, "I'd kill myself if I had to wear a size 12."

I've learned to accept that. What I can't and won't accept is when she makes fat comments about my daughter. My baby is 14 months old. Her pediatrician says she is the picture of a healthy toddler — with no weight concerns.

My mom continually expresses concern about my daughter's weight.

Recently the three of us went to lunch. My daughter refused to eat much of her meal and my mom very proudly declared, "I think she just doesn't like to eat in front of me because she knows I'm counting every calorie she eats!"

This attitude is so far beyond not healthy, I don't even know what to say to her. It's not good that my mom has passed her unhealthy relationship with food down to me, but I refuse to let this get put on my daughter's shoulders as well!

She's a very controlling person but I am very confident in my ability to raise my own daughter. What can I do or say to get her to stop doing this?

— I'm Her Mom!

DEAR MOM: The trick for you will be to balance a healthy portion of tolerance for someone you can't change, along with the ability to remain relatively unruffled when you decide you've had enough.

Your mother's self-loathing and eating issues are unfortunate. You'll need to push back just hard enough to establish that, when it comes to your child, there is a new sheriff in town.

Tell her you've decided that because she cannot control herself, she may not discuss food/weight in front of your daughter. Ever. This may sound like an overreaction, but you will have to overreact in order to get her attention.

You respond to violations by saying: "Oops. Look at the time. We're going to have to go." And you pack up and leave. Do not negotiate or discuss this in front of your child.

Your mother may express her hurt and outrage later. Remember when she does this that she is acting out, the way a toddler does when she has been corrected.

DEAR AMY: My son and his wife (a stay-at-home mom) live several hours away and have three young children. We see them five or six times a year.

We have been very generous to them and send gifts, checks or gift cards for holidays or special events.

It bothers me that they fail to acknowledge receipt of many of these gifts. If I ask if they have gotten them, the response is usually: "Oh! Yeah. Thanks."

I sent them $1,000 for their fifth anniversary last year ... same response! I recently sent $175 in gift cards for my daughter-in-law's birthday, but have not heard that she even received them.

Should I grit my teeth and continue the gifts or just forget these special occasions?

— Frustrated Mom

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Your daughter-in-law is obviously partly to blame, but your son is a partner to this gratitude crime.

I assure you, if I sent $1,000 to someone and he didn't acknowledge it, I would never do that again. Tell them both that you are disappointed.

I suggest you dial your giving way back regarding these parents. Concentrate on the kiddies and try to mentor them toward gratitude and acknowledgment.

DEAR AMY: "Fearful" reported that she continued to be frightened of her ex-husband, who had stalked and assaulted her years ago. Her second husband loved and adopted the kids — and now they wanted to reconnect with their biological father and bring him to family events.

As an also-devoted stepfather, I'd have to say that if this ex-husband wanted to attend family events with my wife present, he'd have to go through me first!

— Upset Stepdad

DEAR UPSET: Amen, brother.

Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com. Amy Dickinson's memoir, The Mighty Queens of Freeville: A Mother, a Daughter and the Town that Raised Them (Hyperion), is available in bookstores.

Filed under: Lifestyles
Tagged: ask amy

2 Comments on this post:

By: Rasputin72 on 4/22/13 at 12:03

I think fat people are repulsive. Having said that I would rather be repulsed by a fat person than a person with a tattoo that is visible.

By: Rasputin72 on 4/22/13 at 12:03

I think fat people are repulsive. Having said that I would rather be repulsed by a fat person than a person with a tattoo that is visible.