Ask Amy

Tuesday, July 14, 2009 at 12:00am

DEAR AMY: I have been married for almost 30 years to a perfectionist who is also a controlling and underemployed musician.

As a college professor, I pay almost all the bills, and I have been the one primarily responsible for raising our teenage daughter.

I have been miserable in my marriage for most of the time, but I simply chalked my misery up to not being perfect enough.

Our daughter has been after me to leave him for several years, as have my friends and family. He has tried very hard to isolate me from them.

Five years ago, I tried to leave him, but I chickened out when he suddenly became very nice (and played the victim).

Now I really do feel ready, and I'm working hard to get out.

We have a first-rate counselor who seems to understand what's happening and is trying to help us figure out how we could be excellent co-parents for our daughter.

I'm wondering — how responsible am I for my husband's emotions?

Is he the victim here, when he's the one who has — though his constant control and pressure — pushed me out?

— Soon-To-Be Ex

DEAR EX: Possibly the only good thing to come from leaving a marriage is the clarity and knowledge that when it is really over no one needs to be — or play — the victim.
If your husband is controlling and emotionally abusive, then you are doing a good thing to get out.

If he acts like a victim and you let his behavior control you, then you are still too emotionally involved.

If you two are able to detach yourselves from your failed relationship, you will be able to move forward with a shared commitment to be partners as parents. This should be your goal.

Your counselor should work with both of you to take personal responsibility for your own failings and actions without assuming responsibility for the other person's responses and reactions.


DEAR AMY: After several years of being engaged and living together, my son and his fiancee announced to us in late spring that they are finally going to be married.
The ceremony and reception are to be at our home.

That plan is fine, except I became the wedding planner!

I have coordinated and planned nearly everything about the wedding, including mailing the invitations (the response cards are going to my son and his fiancee), choosing the caterer and menu (with my son), buying supplies and flowers, and putting together favors for the reception. I have also arranged for the music.

They "have not had time" to choose rings, her bouquet or his suit, and the wedding gown she bought is still here in our closet, unaltered.

The wedding is only five weeks away! I am certain they have not planned anything about their ceremony.

Have I done too much?

I don't know what to do or where I should draw the line.

Obviously, I have done all that I can or should do to make sure there is at least a nice meal and a pretty setting for this wedding.

— Worried MOG

DEAR WORRIED: It sounds as if you will be throwing a lovely party. Now sit back, relax and let the couple do the rest.

Marrying is their responsibility.

If the bride and groom arrive at your home without clothing, clergy, rings or a ceremony, it will still be a lovely party.


DEAR AMY: I'm responding to "Frustrated Grandparent."

I am one too.

I do not criticize the educational things my grandkids do, like museum trips, but I am bothered by the outlandishly excessive birthday parties, amusement park trips, and excessive computer and TV time.

In my opinion, this makes my grandkids spoiled, unappreciative and materialistic.
They have no empathy for less fortunate kids, but we can't say anything, right?

— Also Frustrated

DEAR ALSO: I agree. But you could probably influence your grandkids more by sharing your world with them than by criticizing them.

Send questions to askamy@tribune.com

Filed under: Lifestyles

3 Comments on this post:

By: courier37027 on 7/14/09 at 6:55

Dear Soon-To-Be-Ex,

So you married an underemployed musician and you are paying the bills--SHOCKING.

By: lee shropshire on 7/14/09 at 10:58

lastincarnate
There is a street corner with your husbands name on it.

By: tim4wsp on 7/14/09 at 2:27

What do you call a drummer with out a girlfriend? Homeless.