Ask Amy

Tuesday, August 18, 2009 at 6:28pm

DEAR AMY: I am getting married next month, and my fiance and I are selecting readings for our wedding. I would like to include a reading — perhaps from Mildred Loving — that openly expresses support for gay couples to marry, just as I have the right and honor to do so. Many of our guests, however, are conservative or elderly and not likely to share my beliefs on this matter.

I would find it difficult to let the day pass without a public recognition that everyone deserves the right to marry his or her life partner, but I don't want to make my guests feel as if I am deliberately antagonizing them. What are your thoughts?

—Indecisive Bride

DEAR BRIDE: The short answer: This is your wedding, and within fairly loose boundaries, you and your guy can do as you choose — certainly if the officiant agrees to it.

The other answer: This freedom leads some couples to commit various cultural and artistic atrocities.

This choice seems somewhat patronizing, but surely your reading wouldn't be more antagonizing than another couple's choice to sing a medley of Carpenter's hits.

If you want to use your special day to proselytize and educate your family and friends about your views on marriage, then go for it, but be prepared for at least one congregant to figuratively (if not actually) roll his or her eyes.

Your wedding day presents the ultimate opportunity to be a gracious, inclusive and loving host. The best hosts don't take every opportunity to lecture their guests, even when they are basically a captive audience.


DEAR AMY: I have had custody of my children, ages 14 and 15, for three years. My ex-wife is an alcoholic who has been sober for seven months.

Two months ago, she requested to take the kids every other week. I did not want to deny the children the opportunity to build their relationship with their mother, so I agreed.

The problem is my kids will request things, such as rides to midnight movie premieres, from their mom during the week they are with her, and when she refuses they will ask me to do it.

Tonight, my daughter requested a ride home from a party at 9:30 because Mom declined.

I would have happily picked her up at the party but refused because the kids aren't with me this week.

I resent my ex-wife for not being willing to do these things I have done for the last three years, and I don't feel my daughter should look for me to do what her mother won't.

I told my daughter that she needs to depend on me when she is with me and depend on her mom when she is with her.

Was this decision correct, and, if so, is there a good way to explain this to my kids?

—RC

DEAR RC: It sounds as if you are doing a good job with your kids, though I have to say I agree with some of their mother's limits as you explain them.

You are all going through a transition, and you must make sure everyone is clear about the new parameters of your kids' living situation.

Your kids shouldn't prevail upon you to do something when they are with their mother after she has refused their requests, but you can understand that they are trying to navigate this challenge to their best advantage. If their mother is being unreasonable, then they'll have to face that reality.

Make sure your kids know they can call you for any reason when they are with their mom, but reiterate that you will not undercut their mother's authority.


DEAR AMY: My boss told me that I looked like an actress in a popular movie. I didn't think much of it. In fact, I took it as a compliment, but I was curious to see what she looked like, so I Googled her.

I was shocked to see that she is truly ugly. I am freaked out and think he was mean for telling me.

Please tell me what I should do.

—Freaked Out

DEAR FREAKED: This is why bosses should never comment on underlings' looks. It just leads to trouble. You shouldn't do anything. Understand that you may have misinterpreted your boss' comment, and let it go.

Send questions to askamy@tribune.com

Filed under: Lifestyles

1 Comment on this post:

By: sidneyames on 8/19/09 at 7:22

Indecisive Bride needs to get a life. If she's so "gay marriage oriented" why doesn't she marry a girl? And a wedding is a wedding, not a political forum. So don't subject your guests to your political views no matter how "right' you think you are. It's not the proper forum.