Ask Amy

Sunday, August 23, 2009 at 11:45pm

DEAR AMY: I have been married for 22 years and have a pretty good relationship with my wife.

We have two great teenage sons.

We have a great life, and by most measures, I am a perfect husband.

The problem is with my sexuality and infidelity.

I knew that I was bisexual when I met my wife and admitted it at the time.

Ten years ago, I admitted to her that I had a sexual relationship with a man, and I took steps to prevent it from happening again. It was the worst time of our marriage. Unfortunately, it still happens.

I have tried many times to give up meeting men, but I can't. I have been advised by a therapist to work on my relationship with her, particularly in the bedroom, but I am no longer interested.

She is suspicious that I am having an affair. I really don't want a divorce, but I don't want to give up men, and I don't want to live a lie either. Is there any solution?

— John

DEAR JOHN: If you don't want to live a lie, then don't.

I realize this sounds simplistic, but the fact is that in life you don't always get everything you want. You have to make choices. Though you say you are bisexual, based on your behavior, it seems to me that you are a gay man married to a woman.

It's surprising that your therapist would suggest that you work on your sexual relationship with your wife, when your other sexual activity means that you are exposing yourself (and her) to STDs. The choice of whether to be sexually active in your marriage should be your wife's to make — once you tell her the truth about your life.

You have been making all sorts of decisions without your wife's knowledge; now she should be given the opportunity to make some decisions, including whether or not she wants to be married to you.


DEAR AMY: Yesterday, my three young children and I were visiting my in-laws. They live in a large, downtown high-rise with an outdoor, rooftop pool.

This pool has no lifeguard.

A young boy of about 8 or 9 started splashing us and grabbing at my 5-year-old son (who can't swim). I told this boy that he needed to stop. Unfortunately, he kept misbehaving.

We couldn't figure out why this boy's parent/caretaker didn't intervene.

We had our answer about a half an hour later when the boy left: He was alone!

I was horrified by this incident, and I think it's so dangerous, no matter how well a child can swim.

I don't know this boy or his family, but I feel I should let building management/security know right away if this happens again.

I'm really concerned about this boy's safety, both while swimming and while being left around strangers in a semi-public place. I also think building management should be aware of this for liability reasons. What do you think?

— Concerned Mom

DEAR CONCERNED: You should notify the building management. I agree with you that leaving this boy unattended at a pool with no lifeguard on duty presents a considerable risk, not only to other swimmers, but also to the boy in question. The building should make sure all residents and guests know that they should never leave children alone at the pool.


DEAR AMY: I wanted to respond to the letter from "Desperately Seeking Peace," who didn't know whether to disclose her friend's affair.

It brought back painful memories for me.

When my best friend, "Sue," had an affair, I chose to not disclose the relationship to her husband.

Unfortunately, Sue interpreted my silence as condoning the affair.

When her husband eventually found out about the relationship, Sue told him I supported her choice.

I was devastated to lose two very close friends I had known for more than 15 years.

Your advice to not be an active participant in the deception was spot on!

— Still Not Over It

DEAR STILL: Your friend lied to her husband — and to you. I can only hope you won't spend too much more time missing her.

Send questions to askamy@tribune.com

Filed under: Lifestyles

1 Comment on this post:

By: MamaG on 8/24/09 at 9:26

Dear John,
You are a gay man. Build a bridge, get over it. If you truly love your wife, give her the freedom she deserves and quit being so selfish.